English Wordplay ~ Listen and Enjoy

Workshops for Writing, Producing and Acting Radio Drama, Documentaries, Poetry and Readings

Some Amusing Mistakes

Playwright, Colin Haydn Evans in his Writing for Radio (Allison and Busby, 1991) encourages the aspiring writer to listen to as many "bad" radio plays as possible.

It is easier to see the joins, the pitfalls to avoid, whereas in an excellent play it is harder to see how it is accomplished and what should be avoided.

Another period piece This Gun In My Right Hand Is Loaded is a wonderful spoof of how not to write and direct for radio. It is the classic "good bad radio play".

In the 1960's, when it was made, many writers who failed to sell their scripts to TV turned to its poor cousin radio and submitted thinly disguised radio plays full of inappropriate and confusing sound effects.

Also they had not thought out how to convey action and character except in the most artificial, self-conscious and unintentionally amusing manner.

In this first scene the director gets carried away by the sound effects and has cast an adult who cannot play children.

The characters tell each others things they would already know and there are some awkward and self-conscious fades in and out of letter writing.

It is really a bad TV play that has had the minimum of adaptation to radio.

For this exercise, directors and actors have fun recording your own version, and writers think of how you would change it, if it were to be a serious thriller.

The Script

ANNOUNCER	Midweek Theatre (MUSIC AND KEEP UNDER) We present John Pullen and Elizabeth Proud as Clive and Laura Barrington, Malcolm Hayes as Heinrich Oppenheimer, Diana Olsson as Gerda, and Dorit Welles as The Barmaid, with John Hollis, Anthony Hall and Fraser Kerr, in This Gun That I Have in My Right Hand is Loaded by Timothy West, adapted for radio by H. and Cynthia Old Hardwick~Box. This Gun That I Have in My Right Hand is Loaded.
	(BRING UP MUSIC THEN CROSSFADE TO TRAFFIC NOISES. WIND BACKED BY SHIP'S SIRENS, DOG BARKING, HANSOM CAB, ECHOING FOOTSTEPS, KEY CHAIN, DOOR OPENING, SHUTTING)
LAURA	(off) Who's that?
CLIVE	Who do you think, Laura, my dear? Your husband.
LAURA	(approaching) Why, Clive!
RICHARD	Hello, Daddy.
CLIVE	Hello, Richard. My, what a big boy you're getting. Let's see, how old are you now?
RICHARD	I'm six, Daddy.
LAURA	Now Daddy's tired, Richard, run along upstairs and I'll call you when it's supper time.
RICHARD	All right, Mummy. (RICHARD RUNS HEAVILY UP WOODEN STAIRS)
LAURA	What's that you've got under your arm, Clive?
CLIVE	It's an evening paper, Laura. (PAPER NOISE) I've just been reading about the Oppenheimer smuggling case. (EFFORT NOISE) Good gracious, it's nice to sit down after that long train journey from the insurance office in the City.
LAURA	Let me get you a drink, Clive darling. (LENGTHY POURING, CLINK)
CLIVE	Thank you, Laura, my dear. (CLINK, SIP, GULP) Aah! Amontillado, eh? Good stuff. What are you having?
LAURA	I think I'll have a whisky, if it's all the same to you. (CLINK, POURING, SYPHON)
CLIVE	Whisky, eh? That's a strange drink for an attractive auburn-haired girl of twenty nine. Is there ... anything wrong?
LAURA	No, it's nothing, Clive, I -
CLIVE	Yes?
LAURA	No, really, I -
CLIVE	You're my wife, Laura. Whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm your husband. Why, we've been married let me see - eight years, isn't it?
LAURA	Yes, I'm sorry Clive, I ... I'm being stupid. It's . . . just ... this. (PAPER NOISE)
CLIVE	This? Why, what is it, Laura?
LAURA	It's ... it's a letter. I found it this morning in the letter box. The Amsterdam postmark and the strange crest on the back ... it ... frightened me. It's addressed to you. Perhaps you'd better open it
CLIVE	Ah ha. (ENVELOPE TEARING AND PAPER NOISE) Oh, dash it, I've left my reading glasses at the office. Read it to me, will you, my dear.
LAURA	Very well. (PAPER NOISE) Let's see. 'Dear Mr Barrington. If you would care to meet me in the Lounge Bar of Berridge's Hotel at seven-thirty on Tuesday evening the twenty first of May, you will bear something to your advantage. (CROSSFADE TO OPPENHEIMER'S VOICE AND BACK AGAIN IMMEDIATELY) Please wear a dark red carnation in your buttonhole for identification purposes. Yours faithfully, H. T. Oppenheimer.' Clive! Oppenheimer! Surely that's -
CLIVE	By George, you're right. Where's my evening paper. (PAPER NOISE AS BEFORE) Yes! Oppenheimer! He's the man wanted by the police in connection with this smuggling case.
LAURA	Darling, what does it all mean?
CLIVE	Dashed if I know. But I intend to find out. Pass me that Southern Region Suburban Timetable on the sideboard there. Now, where are we? (BRIEF PAPER NOISE) Six fifty-one! Yes, I'll just make it. Lucky we bought those dark red carnations. (FLOWER NOISE) There we are. Well - (STRETCHING FOR FADE) Lounge Bar of Berridge's Hotel, here ... I ... come ... (FADE)

It is easy to spot the writer's mistakes in this excerpt; but what of the director's? Shouldn't he have asked for re-writes? Also what of his directing the actors?

Knowing what not to say to the actors is as important as knowing what to say. Try to keep your notes to a minimum. Leave 'space' for the actors to be creative. Also time is at a premium in the studio. One is always working against the clock to get the best results.

For guidance on producing a radio play read Chapter 9: from Script to Production of Writing for Radio
by Shaun MacLoughlin, obtainable from www.amazon.co.uk

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We also recommend the following radio scripts: Polaris by Fay Weldon in Best Radio Plays of 1978, I Never Killed My German and Of the Levitation at St Michael's by Carey Harrison in A Suffolk Trilogy, The Village Fete by Peter Tinniswood in Best Radio Plays of 1987, Cigarettes and Chocolate by Anthony Minghella in Best Radio Plays of 1988, Death and the Tango by John Fletcher and Song of the Forest by Tina Pepler in Best Radio Plays of 1990 and In the Native State by Tom Stoppard in Best Radio Plays of 1991. Sadly some of these scripts are out of print. However you should be able to order them from your local library

We also recommend the recording of Lee Hall's wonderful first radio play, I Luv U Jimmy Spud. Lee went on to write the screenplay of Billy Elliot.